Understanding Your Inner Critic with Compassion

(Part 2/4 of "The Permission to Pause" Series)

Last week, we explored what it means to truly honour your exhaustion, whether it shows up as a foggy mind, heavy limbs, or a longing for quiet. See: Part 1.

We affirmed a core truth: your fatigue needs no justification. Fatigue is valid.

But understanding your need for rest doesn’t always quiet your inner voice. Just as you reach for a break, a familiar thought may intrude: “Don’t stop now. You haven’t earned it. Keep going.”

This persistent voice is our inner critic. While this voice surfaces in many vulnerabilities, fatigue uniquely amplifies it. When we’re depleted, its tone sharpens to become accusing, doubting, relentless.

If that voice sounds familiar, you're not alone. Let’s take a closer look at where it comes from, what it wants, and how we might begin to relate to it differently.

The Voice of Learned Protection

Our inner critic isn’t random. It’s shaped by past experience and early rules we internalised to stay safe, fit in, or avoid failure. And over time, those strategies can become rigid, harsh, and automatic.

Its voice may sound familiar: “You should know better.” “Everyone else is coping, why aren’t you?” “That wasn’t good enough.” For a long time, I mistook its urgency for truth, not realising how deeply it shaped the way I spoke to myself.

These messages often reflect what we absorbed from our caregivers, cultural ideals of competition, or silent survival strategies that taught us to hide our vulnerability.

At their core is fear: if I criticise myself first, maybe I can avoid worse pain later.

The critic believes it’s protecting us. By pointing out flaws or pushing for perfection, it tries to shield us from rejection or failure. In trying to help, it often confuses care with control, like a lifejacket so tight it restricts your breath.

But remember: This voice might be persistent, but it is not the whole of you.

It’s just one part, an outdated protector working from old instructions. With awareness, it can soften, and even begin to change.

What Makes Your Inner Critic So Loud

When stress, exhaustion, or uncertainty strike, that protective voice hits the gas, believing relentless pushing keeps us safe. But instead of shielding us, it drains our energy and clouds our judgment.

What fans the flames?

• Vulnerability - Tiredness and overwhelm crank up its volume.

• Cultural Pressure - We've learned that nonstop productivity equals worth.

• Social Comparison - Scrolling past curated highlights can trigger “Why not me?”

• Early Caregiver Messages - Childhood rules like “Hide weakness” still echo.

• Systemic Discrimination - Bias around race, gender, ability intensifies the critic’s harshest messages.

• Fear of Judgment - Amplifies warnings about rejection.

Tracking these sparks can reveal your critic’s rhythm. Next time you hear “You’re not enough,” pause and notice the trigger. Was it social media, a difficult task, or feeling tired?

This simple mapping creates space for choice, letting you move from reactive shame to intentional calm.

Shifting from Combat to Curiosity

Trying to silence our inner critic through force can result in more tension, not relief. Instead, try a gentler approach:

1. Ask “What are you trying to protect me from?”

2. Listen for its tone. Is it pleading or commanding?

3. Notice where you feel it in your body or mind.

4. Offer kindness, perhaps a hand on your heart or a soothing phrase: “It’s safe to rest.”

By meeting it with curiosity instead of combat, we disarm its urgency. We turn criticism into an invitation for care.

Looking Ahead: From Criticism to Care

Understanding your inner critic’s protective origins empowers the essential first step. Now we turn toward cultivating a kinder response.

In Part 3, we will introduce and apply Tara Brach's RAIN method of Self-Compassion. This mindful practice guides us to:

• Recognise our experience

• Allow it with kindness

• Investigate with care

• Nurture what feels vulnerable

Until then, remember:

You are not the critical voice; you are the awareness hearing it. And in that space, you hold the power to choose compassion.

What might change if you paused to ask that voice, “What do you need?”

Stefan Jürgens, RP (Qualifying), is a Registered Psychotherapist and founder of Inner Counsel Psychotherapy. He supports adults navigating anxiety, perfectionism, and life transitions with warmth, clarity, and care.

Photo: Patrick Fore via Unsplash

#InnerCritic #SelfCompassion #MindfulLiving #EmotionalWellbeing #MentalHealthAwareness #HealingJourney #PersonalGrowth #PermissionToPause #KindnessOverCriticism #SelfKindness #SystemicBias

© 2025 Stefan Jurgens. All rights reserved.

Unless otherwise noted, all content on this blog is the copyright of Stefan Jurgens.